My Zombie Escape Plan

So my wife and some friends were hanging out after our church small group last night, and naturally the conversation turned to zombies. One of these friends, who shall remain nameless, announced to the whole room that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, everyone should go to her house. She has a plan, which got me wondering. I'm an academic with a slightly below-average physique, no mechanical- or military-aptitude to speak of, a low probability of being able to feed myself as a hunter-gatherer, and zero probability of being able to identify and cure the zombification disease. I'm not even sure it's worth it to come up with an escape plan.

But I'm an optimizer. I'm pretty good at figuring out the best way to do something, given certain constraints. So, given some very general (and mostly non-binding) constraints, how would I survive the zombie apocalypse? First of all, you need to get your people and supplies together, and you need to last in an urban environment long enough to organize your escape. I'm thinking the OU stadium is a nice, gated, defensible position with land to raise food and space to organize supplies and personnel. We'll call that stage one. Stage two is escaping the urban area where most of the zombies are and building a self-sustainable community in a rural environment. Eventually, once the zombies are finally gone, these individual communities can come back together to re-form modern civilization.

It all comes down to people. If you can get the right people into a coherent survival community, you can make it out. Of course, you need certain types in the group. I think most zombie movies end badly because the groups trying to survive don't make sure they have teams for each type:

Off-the-Grid Survivalists, especially people who can figure out how to find the tools we need and provide food that will actually sustain life once the sugar pops and canned goods run out. This includes scavengers (especially for stage one) and hippie nutritionists/herbologists.
Bio-Researchers, since we need to understand what we're up against and (if possible) how to restore them. Because seriously, how many kinds of zombie are there? They can be slow or fast, infected or undead, humans only or animals and monsters too, head-shots kill or much worse, etc.
Builders, who can assemble shelter and defense mechanisms once we've moved on to stage two.
Spiritual Helpers, because there's going to be a lot of despair and doubting God's provision going on. However, God told us we would face trials, and he never said a zombie apocalypse wouldn't be among them. We need to be reminded to trust God even when it doesn't make sense.
Fighters, because sometimes somebody's gonna have to kill a zombie. Or maybe 20 zombies.
Peace Keepers, because everyone is under ridiculous stress. Hippies and fighters don't usually get along in the best of circumstances, but you'll need both in close-quarters for extended periods to survive.
Progeny, to give everyone something to fight for. You need not only children, but the possibility of more children in the future.
Medics, because when it comes to zombie wars, somebody's gonna get hurt.
Last (but in no sense least), a Leader. This "fight-the-zombies-by-democratic-process" bag isn't going to hold water. You need a strong, capable leader, who understands his people, is invested in their future, but doesn't want to rule over them. It is essential to the proper hierarchical leader in this setting that he not want to wield his power, and certainly he won't wield it lightly. Those kinds of leader are hard to come by.

It turns out that I know all the people I need to in order to pull this off.

My wife. First of all, because she's my wife. But she also knows something about nutrition, growing her own food, rationing, brewing healthy beverages, and making clothing. Definitely someone we'll need. Off-the-Grid Survivalist

Kelly Rose. Because she's one of the few people I know with a survival plan. Also, she similarly knows about nutrition and gardening, as well as a host of other domestic skills that will be necessities in order for the group to survive. Come to think of it, we may bring her whole family along. Off-the-Grid Survivalist

Katie. We're going to need someone who can analyze bio samples, mostly to tell us what kind of zombies we're dealing with. Who better than our own resident Terrapin? Plus, she lives with Emily, an engineer, and knows several scientific types.
Bio-Researcher

Mike Eades. He's a medical researcher in-training, and he can wield a gun and drive a dirt bike. Fighter, Bio-Researcher

BGG. The ankle surgery just makes things more interesting ;) . Bio-Researcher

The elder Stuarts. Between the two of them, they have experience hunting, cooking, and organizing good nutrition. They can hunt and grow food, which would be enough right there. However, one thing that most zombie survival plans shortchange is the need for spiritual leadership as well. Both the Stuarts can help with that. Spiritual Helper, Off-the-Grid Survivalist

The Servens. Speaking of spiritual leadership, how about Rev. Doug and Julie? Doug has an innate ability to keep things from seeming overwhelming, and if there's ever a time that will come in handy, it's during the zombie apocalypse. Not to mention that Doug is a pretty athletic guy, and any group that doesn't plan to keep families because kids will slow them down has missed the point of surviving. Spiritual Helper, Fighter, Progeny

Paul Criger. He owns guns, and knows how to use them. His wife can come too. Fighter

My family. My father has experience hunting, scavenging, repairing mechanisms and tools, and making do. The rest of my family is similar. They could bring some guns, follow orders, and find supplies (fuel, equipment, etc) like nobody's business. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Fighter, Builder

Big Tony. He rides a motor bike, is in good physical condition, can use a gun, and is studying to be a doctor. I'm not sure where his wife fits in, but she's welcome too. Fighter, Medic

The Moyni. Eagle scout and seminarian, he's definitely someone we'd need around, especially once we move out of an urban area (where zombies tend to thrive). Off-the-Grid Survivalist

The Dixon family. We're going to need people who are knowledgeable and wise, which the Dixon's are. But perhaps even more importantly, we need people who can help keep us sane. Music, conversation, and friendship should not be downplayed just because the walking undead are about. Peace Keeper, Progeny

Jon G. We could use a good engineer or two. His wife-to-be can come too. Builder

The Barnes family. What zombie survival plan couldn't use more academics (please don't kick me out!)? Plus, the Barnes' are both avid runners, which means scavengers and possible zombie fighters. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Fighter

The Pastor family. Jenny knows a ton about gardening and plants, which will be crucial when all the produce in the world's shops goes bad. Joel has a knack for de-escalating conflicts, and in these stressful times that will be essential. Even though they're in NY these days, I'd like to have them on the team. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Peace Keeper

The Dellinger family. Shiloh is a black-belt in Tai Kwon Do, and staying in shape will be important for escaping zombies. He also knows his way around the woods with a rifle, so I hear. His wife is a nurse. Plus their daughter was born 3-months premature and is doing fine. Hearty stock. Fighter, Medic

The Payne family. They know about eating healthy and growing food, they've raised animals for food, and they've got good kids. Aaron has been a mechanic, security guard, knows something about building and organization... and he's a humble man. He would never grasp at power. If someone were causing trouble and endangering the community, he could hold the authority to banish without the risk of losing his cool or failing to consider the well being of either the offender or the community. A lot of zombie movies end badly for lack of a good leader. I think our group has a chance. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Progeny, Builder, Fighter, Leader

There you have it. I could keep adding people with valuable skills, but this is already too long. This is how we'll survive a zombie apocalypse. So if/when it happens, go to Kelly's house. We'll come get you.