A Noir Interpretation

This is not a story. As a friend recently made me aware, a snippet only becomes a story if it includes redemption. There is no redemption here. There is only darkness, moral ambiguity, and black and white photography (Which another friend informed me makes lighting effects much more pronounced. Who would've thought it!).

This is, however, something of a prequel to the BioGrecoGirl trilogy. Kinda like this is a prequel to the Star Wars Trilogy. As with that other prequel, most of you will, after having read this, prefer to pretend it doesn't exist. As a writer (but not a story writer), I guess that's the risk you take.


Part Zero: When the Narrator Wasn't Looking

TeaBrewster walked along the foggy path towards the glassy spires of Catlett Citadel. He knew the resident of the citadel would be able to tell him what he needed to know. Stepping forward resolutely (imagine the opposite of this), he heard the echos of haunting organ music as he stepped inside the massive structure. He stepped into the large, open foyer as fog billowed in behind him.

"Father Aldrich?" TB said, hoping to be heard over the organ music.
"Aldrich?" he repeated.
"Go. Away," a clear voice called through the music.
"I need your help," TB said.
"I have not offered my help," the voice replied. "I am... preoccupied."
"I need to talk to him," TB said. "I need to talk to the Instructor."

The music died away. TB heard footsteps from high above him, in the organ balcony. He looked up.

There stood Father Aldrich (picture the guy on the left), looking down at him in the dim light. "Do you really?" FA asked.

"Yes," TB said. "He sent for me. He wants me to come to the Hidden Hall, but..."
"But no one can find the Hall unless they've been brought there."
"Exactly."
Father Aldrich paused in a very noir manner. "I'll take you," he finally said. "We'll just say you owe me one."

They set off together, walking past the Physical Sciences Center and within sight of the library clock tower. After some time, they came upon a dull, unassuming building and entered. They walked up to the elevator, only to discover that they would have to climb the stairs instead. As they entered the hallway leading to the Instructor's office, the background music took a more modern turn. FA knocked on the office door.

"Enter."
FA opened the door and motioned for TB to precede him. As TB did, he saw a bearded man sitting at a desk, smoking a pipe. (It felt a bit like this, but hopefully nothing like this.)
"TB, I've been expecting you," the Instructor said. "You look drained, would you like a cup of coffee?"
"Is it decaf?"
The Instructor and FA glanced at each other briefly.
"Just have the one, it can't hurt that much," FA said.
"Alright, but I've got to watch my caffeine intake," TB said as he sat down. The Instructor rose from his desk and began pouring a cup of coffee.
"You're wondering why I've asked you here," the Instructor said as he handed TB the cup. "You see, I'm working on a project for a very important client, and I could use your help. My client is conducting vital research in the area of ultrasonics. However, to continue this research, I need to get a component for a new device they've developed."
"What sort of device?" asked TB, who was already more than half-way through his cup of coffee and feeling very energized.
"That's not really important right now. The important part is the component, a bathroom iPod stereo deck. Do you know where I can get such a component?" the Instructor asked.
"BGG has one," TB said. "She always keeps it in her lab coat pocket. Not that she'd part with it, I suspect." TB downed the last of his coffee. "This coffee is amazing."
"It's a special blend."
"Have another," FA said as he refilled TB's cup.
"What do you think it would take to convince her to give it up?" the Instructor asked.
"You'd probably have to take it from her," TB replied, "and she and her friends would stop you before you could do that, anyway."
"No one is suggesting taking it by force and violence," FA said.
"Her friends would stop us, wouldn't they," the Instructor said.
"Yeah. Between the Schupakinator and SeamsJess, you'd have your hands full," TB said. "I'd help them."
"As you should," the Instructor said. "Let me warm that up for you," he said, pouring more coffee into TB's cup.
"Thanks. This stuff is amazing. I mean amazing, I really like it it really provides just the right pick me up you know what I mean?" TB's words began to run together with frantic energy.
"We will certainly pass on the compliments," FA said.
"Now, I'm sure by now you're wondering who this client is," the Instructor began.
"Not really, do you have any more coffee?" TB asked. His cup was somehow empty again, clutched in his twitching hand.
"No," the Instructor said.
"What do you mean 'no'?" TB said angrily. "I need more *coffee*!"
"I'd love to accommodate you, but I'm afraid the Schupakinator took the last of it," the Instructor said.
"She did," TB said. "She did. Well, well. Took the last of my coffee. We'll just see about that!"

TB got up suddenly, throwing his chair against the wall, nearly hitting FA. Like a bolt of lightning, TB shot down the stairs in search of the one who had deprived him of more caffeine.
"That was quite a brew you gave him," FA said.
"I had some help with it. It's like trucker coffee, but with extra kick," the Instructor said. "He's had the caffeine equivalent of a dozen cups just now, which should take care of the Schupakinator. I trust you can get me the component now?"
"What about her other allies? "FA asked. "What about SeamsJess?"
The Instructor folded his hands as he sat behind his chair. "Leave her to me," the Instructor said knowingly. "Soon it won't matter if they all know that the Instructor is just one guise of mine."
"As is the Economist of Evil."
"Of course," the Economist of Evil said. "Remember, we need the component delivered to the movie theater."
"This had better work," FA said. "I have no problem getting the component for you, but I have no intention of actually killing anyone for this project. I'm not a villain, whatever BGG or anyone else may think."
"You will have to trust me," EE said.
"Assuming you are no villain, yourself. You still have not told me what the device being built is."
"All in due time, FA," EE said. "There are still too many variables to divulge that information."
"Very well. I will met you at the pond," FA said. "If you'll excuse me, I have two more movements to play."

As FA shut the door behind himself, EE muttered under his breath, "Be careful what you assume, Justin. I never said I wasn't a villain."

My Zombie Escape Plan

So my wife and some friends were hanging out after our church small group last night, and naturally the conversation turned to zombies. One of these friends, who shall remain nameless, announced to the whole room that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, everyone should go to her house. She has a plan, which got me wondering. I'm an academic with a slightly below-average physique, no mechanical- or military-aptitude to speak of, a low probability of being able to feed myself as a hunter-gatherer, and zero probability of being able to identify and cure the zombification disease. I'm not even sure it's worth it to come up with an escape plan.

But I'm an optimizer. I'm pretty good at figuring out the best way to do something, given certain constraints. So, given some very general (and mostly non-binding) constraints, how would I survive the zombie apocalypse? First of all, you need to get your people and supplies together, and you need to last in an urban environment long enough to organize your escape. I'm thinking the OU stadium is a nice, gated, defensible position with land to raise food and space to organize supplies and personnel. We'll call that stage one. Stage two is escaping the urban area where most of the zombies are and building a self-sustainable community in a rural environment. Eventually, once the zombies are finally gone, these individual communities can come back together to re-form modern civilization.

It all comes down to people. If you can get the right people into a coherent survival community, you can make it out. Of course, you need certain types in the group. I think most zombie movies end badly because the groups trying to survive don't make sure they have teams for each type:

Off-the-Grid Survivalists, especially people who can figure out how to find the tools we need and provide food that will actually sustain life once the sugar pops and canned goods run out. This includes scavengers (especially for stage one) and hippie nutritionists/herbologists.
Bio-Researchers, since we need to understand what we're up against and (if possible) how to restore them. Because seriously, how many kinds of zombie are there? They can be slow or fast, infected or undead, humans only or animals and monsters too, head-shots kill or much worse, etc.
Builders, who can assemble shelter and defense mechanisms once we've moved on to stage two.
Spiritual Helpers, because there's going to be a lot of despair and doubting God's provision going on. However, God told us we would face trials, and he never said a zombie apocalypse wouldn't be among them. We need to be reminded to trust God even when it doesn't make sense.
Fighters, because sometimes somebody's gonna have to kill a zombie. Or maybe 20 zombies.
Peace Keepers, because everyone is under ridiculous stress. Hippies and fighters don't usually get along in the best of circumstances, but you'll need both in close-quarters for extended periods to survive.
Progeny, to give everyone something to fight for. You need not only children, but the possibility of more children in the future.
Medics, because when it comes to zombie wars, somebody's gonna get hurt.
Last (but in no sense least), a Leader. This "fight-the-zombies-by-democratic-process" bag isn't going to hold water. You need a strong, capable leader, who understands his people, is invested in their future, but doesn't want to rule over them. It is essential to the proper hierarchical leader in this setting that he not want to wield his power, and certainly he won't wield it lightly. Those kinds of leader are hard to come by.

It turns out that I know all the people I need to in order to pull this off.

My wife. First of all, because she's my wife. But she also knows something about nutrition, growing her own food, rationing, brewing healthy beverages, and making clothing. Definitely someone we'll need. Off-the-Grid Survivalist

Kelly Rose. Because she's one of the few people I know with a survival plan. Also, she similarly knows about nutrition and gardening, as well as a host of other domestic skills that will be necessities in order for the group to survive. Come to think of it, we may bring her whole family along. Off-the-Grid Survivalist

Katie. We're going to need someone who can analyze bio samples, mostly to tell us what kind of zombies we're dealing with. Who better than our own resident Terrapin? Plus, she lives with Emily, an engineer, and knows several scientific types.
Bio-Researcher

Mike Eades. He's a medical researcher in-training, and he can wield a gun and drive a dirt bike. Fighter, Bio-Researcher

BGG. The ankle surgery just makes things more interesting ;) . Bio-Researcher

The elder Stuarts. Between the two of them, they have experience hunting, cooking, and organizing good nutrition. They can hunt and grow food, which would be enough right there. However, one thing that most zombie survival plans shortchange is the need for spiritual leadership as well. Both the Stuarts can help with that. Spiritual Helper, Off-the-Grid Survivalist

The Servens. Speaking of spiritual leadership, how about Rev. Doug and Julie? Doug has an innate ability to keep things from seeming overwhelming, and if there's ever a time that will come in handy, it's during the zombie apocalypse. Not to mention that Doug is a pretty athletic guy, and any group that doesn't plan to keep families because kids will slow them down has missed the point of surviving. Spiritual Helper, Fighter, Progeny

Paul Criger. He owns guns, and knows how to use them. His wife can come too. Fighter

My family. My father has experience hunting, scavenging, repairing mechanisms and tools, and making do. The rest of my family is similar. They could bring some guns, follow orders, and find supplies (fuel, equipment, etc) like nobody's business. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Fighter, Builder

Big Tony. He rides a motor bike, is in good physical condition, can use a gun, and is studying to be a doctor. I'm not sure where his wife fits in, but she's welcome too. Fighter, Medic

The Moyni. Eagle scout and seminarian, he's definitely someone we'd need around, especially once we move out of an urban area (where zombies tend to thrive). Off-the-Grid Survivalist

The Dixon family. We're going to need people who are knowledgeable and wise, which the Dixon's are. But perhaps even more importantly, we need people who can help keep us sane. Music, conversation, and friendship should not be downplayed just because the walking undead are about. Peace Keeper, Progeny

Jon G. We could use a good engineer or two. His wife-to-be can come too. Builder

The Barnes family. What zombie survival plan couldn't use more academics (please don't kick me out!)? Plus, the Barnes' are both avid runners, which means scavengers and possible zombie fighters. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Fighter

The Pastor family. Jenny knows a ton about gardening and plants, which will be crucial when all the produce in the world's shops goes bad. Joel has a knack for de-escalating conflicts, and in these stressful times that will be essential. Even though they're in NY these days, I'd like to have them on the team. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Peace Keeper

The Dellinger family. Shiloh is a black-belt in Tai Kwon Do, and staying in shape will be important for escaping zombies. He also knows his way around the woods with a rifle, so I hear. His wife is a nurse. Plus their daughter was born 3-months premature and is doing fine. Hearty stock. Fighter, Medic

The Payne family. They know about eating healthy and growing food, they've raised animals for food, and they've got good kids. Aaron has been a mechanic, security guard, knows something about building and organization... and he's a humble man. He would never grasp at power. If someone were causing trouble and endangering the community, he could hold the authority to banish without the risk of losing his cool or failing to consider the well being of either the offender or the community. A lot of zombie movies end badly for lack of a good leader. I think our group has a chance. Off-the-Grid Survivalist, Progeny, Builder, Fighter, Leader

There you have it. I could keep adding people with valuable skills, but this is already too long. This is how we'll survive a zombie apocalypse. So if/when it happens, go to Kelly's house. We'll come get you.

Freedom of the Press?

Just a quick link to a blog I read. It seems that having your name on the ballot doesn't mean you're running for office. (Katie, you may find this interesting, since the author is one of your people)

http://mungowitzend.blogspot.com/2008/05/chill-ee-punkd-oh-humanity.html

Do you suppose Rodney Dangerfield is a Libertarian?

Become Thy Enemy

As many of you know, I suffer from a spheksophobia, the irrational fear of wasps. Whenever I see them my muscles become tense, perspiration increases, and I'm overcome with an intense desire to escape. I've achieved a certain degree of control over the years--I don't run from a room screaming every time I see wasps or hornets--but as Charlie from Lost once said, "It wouldn't be an irrational fear [...] if I could just pull myself together, would it?"

My apartment complex is really nice, but we've had problems with wasps during the summer. For some reason they love to just buzz buzz buzz around my front door. It was getting bad this year again, and I wasn't sure I could take it, so I did some digging on the Interwebs. It turns out that wasps and hornets are dreadfully territorial beasties, and if they see a rival colony's nest they will steer clear. This means that anything that looks sufficiently like a wasp nest left hanging outside will scare most of them away. Yon-folks-who-exist-only-online are quite clever, as they offered a simple solution: brown paper liquor bags stuffed with newspaper. The results, as you can see...
are astounding. While this may not look very threatening to you,to a wasp it looks like a dangerous fortress. The first one is by our front door, the second by our back. And you know what? I've seen one wasp around our house since we put these up. One. Not half a dozen every day. (photos courtesy of my wife)

It's kinda like Batman, disguising himself as what he fears in order to frighten others. Well, maybe more like the new Batman. Who knows? Maybe I should start listening to Sting and riding around on a Vespa (it's Italian for wasp, you know).

Monopoly: American Dream Edition

So my wife and I were talking about the board game Monopoly, and we thought it might be interesting to play a new version that takes modern social distinctions and governmental attitudes into account. As an example of what that would look like, I offer the following rule modifications...

AMERICAN DREAM MONOPOLY
for 6-8 players:

The banker earns $350 for passing GO, rather than the usual $200.

One player must use the wheelbarrow. This player is the blue-collar / ethnic minority worker. The blue-collar worker earns $150 for passing GO. If the ethnic minority worker is sent to jail, they automatically skip three turns and must pay the fine to continue (no rolling dice to get out).

One player is a woman in corporate America. The woman starts the game with $1,140 rather than the usual $1,500 (discounted by the same percentage as the current gender wage gap), and earns $175 for passing GO.

One player is an illegal immigrant. This player must skip the first 3 turns of the game. This player is payed $100 for passing GO (earning below minimum wage), and another $100 for passing Free Parking ('taking American's jobs'). The illegal immigrant does not pay utilities or income tax, and may not build hotels. If the illegal immigrant is sent to jail, they are deported, meaning all of their properties are seized & returned to the available property pool, and they must skip 3 more turns before starting over at GO.

All other players are regular, middle-class workers and the same rules as usual apply.

LUXURY TAX - This will be replaced with MEDICAL INSURANCE DEDUCTIBLE. For the banker, this is $25. For the woman, this is $100 (higher deductible on maternity insurance). Since the blue-collar worker and the illegal immigrant do not have insurance, this is $200 for each of them. All other players pay $75 as before.

How will the characters be determined? Each player will roll the dice once, and the player with the highest score is the banker (if a tie, have a tie-breaking roll, highest wins). The player with the lowest score is the illegal immigrant (again, tie-breaking roll w/ lowest wins if there is a tie). The remaining characters roll again, with the highest score being the woman and the lowest score being the blue-collar / ethnic minority worker (tie-breakers again apply).


If anyone gives this a try, let me know how the game turns out!

This Post is Not for the Squeemish

I'm overdue for a blog post, but I've been lacking on philosophical insight recently. Graduate school will do that to you sometimes. After tonight, however, I felt compelled to write.

We just got back from the dollar theater showing of Sweeney Todd: the Demon Barber of Fleet Street (warning: do not consume this post if you are allergic to spoilers. Or human flesh). That... was disgusting. I mean really disgusting. It was like what would happen if every villain from Law & Order: Special Victim's Unit broke out of jail at the same time. Made me think of John Carpenter's The Thing all the way through the movie. If you haven't seen it, and you derive perverse joy from reveling in the darkest stains of human depravity, then you might want to check it out. And that the old lady... yeah. Saw that coming from the first time she asked for alms. Gross.

The songs weren't even that good. The only catchy one came when they decided to feed man-pies to the locals. Lots of clever punnery, vaguely enjoyable melody. The rest of the music was mediocre, though, a step down from Nightmare Before Christmas. Apparently Johnny Depp even required his own private sound tech (I spot weird things during the credits).

On the SVU note, lets look at the cast of characters, shall we? There's Serial Killer Guy, Cannibal Lady, Creepy Stalker Kid, Slimy Pedophile Man, and various Rape Party Attendees. All to the blood-squirting rubber head special effects any 80's horror flick would be proud of. It's like Tim Burton's dream story!

So yeah. Apparently Sweeney Todd is not my kind of show--too graphic. Let me know when something tame like Friday the 13th is on, though...