Last Night, I Wrestled With God

Last night I felt good and evil at war in my heart. Not the dramatic kind of good and evil with John Wayne in a white hat and Jack Elam in a black hat. The subtle, soul-wrenching debate of a perfectly reasonable desire running up against an incontrovertible commitment. It reminded me of a few things about the promises I've made as a husband and the scandal of the cross.

The gist of the story is this: I was preparing to do all kinds of good, useful things for the house, mostly cleaning-related. I was also looking forward to some time to sit and relax, since I had been walking or standing most of the day and was rather tired. Around 8 o'clock, just before said cleaning and relaxing was going to occur, my wife pointed out that the baby was tired, and we needed to do her bedtime routine. This part is fine, except that if we do the bedtime routine and she still doesn't fall asleep, the only effective way to get her to sleep (she really needs to sleep more) is for me to put her in the baby bjorn and wear her. Standing up. Until Jessie is ready to go to bed, which is usually around 10:30 or so.

Needless to say, I didn't want to give up the good things I was planning to do so I could stand around with the baby for two hours. I told my wife as much. Ultimately, though, we both knew that Lucy needed the sleep. So we did the bedtime routine, which includes me leading us in prayer. Except I didn't want to pray. I was mad at Jessie (but actually more mad at God). Mad that she would make me do this silly, uncomfortable thing instead of doing to useful and restful things I had planned. I'm not OK with this, I thought. Jessie has no right to ask this of me. It's too much.

I was suddenly reminded of something: "As Christ loved the Church, and gave himself up for her." What? I'm a loving husband; she's just asking too much. "As Christ loved the Church, and gave himself up for her." But she just doesn't want to have to deal with the baby for a couple hours. "As Christ loved the Church, and gave himself up for her." I'm tired. Why should I have to sacrifice that much? "As Christ loved the Church, and gave himself up for her."

Sacrificing "up to a point" might prove you're tougher than most, but it's not real sacrifice. It's not sacrifice if you can say after a point "That's too much!" True sacrifice means that it's not about your limits anymore. "As Christ loved the Church, and gave Himself up for her." Giving myself for my wife means I don't get to say she's asking too much of me. It's not about me. It's about me doing what she needs while I have breath.

Not to be too mystical, but I think God was speaking to me that night. I think he was reminding me of these important things, which I'd pretty much forgotten.

I apologized to Jessie. We prayed. I was prepared to do what I had to do.

A couple minutes later, Lucy fell asleep without the bjorn.