We are not good when we are happy and bad when we are down. We are simply experiencing the natural spectrum of emotions as part of our human experience. When we take the time to appreciate all of our experiences, they will have far less power over us, thus increasing our capacity for true joy and contentment.Please, discuss. The context is here.
HOW I FEEL WHEN I’M TWO WEEKS OUT FROM QUALS
9 years ago
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5 comments:
Good and Bad, Happy and Sad. The parenting problem I see is a little more nuanced than "all emotions are ok".
As a parent to the boy previously known as, "Dr. No", it's not that negative emotions are "bad", but that the child *must* learn to control themselves in the face of such emotions.
I think the main problem is that many people confuse the feeling of emotion and the control of said emotion. One can feel sad but can look happy showing some mastery of that emotion, or conversely one can feel sad and look sad. If you can never overcome the sad feeling then the emotion has the mastery of you.
Often times (men) we are taught that you must have total emotional control and all times. Which is of course incorrect, but one must also be taught not to break down into tears and inaction at the slightest of obstacles or failures.
I think as parents it is most important to separate the emotional feeling from the action needed. Often times emotional outbursts have no useful purpose in changing the course of events.
Furthermore emotional outbursts show also an inability to delay gratification which is a critical aspect of success in life.
So often parents teach that all negative emotion is "bad" when it would be better to demonstrate that negative emotion while valid doesn't change anything now nor lead to a better future.
I often find myself saying something similar this to the former child known as Dr. No.
"I know you are upset that I turned off the TV and it's time for bed, but if you have a big fit there will be no time for a story and I'll put you straight to bed."
"I'm setting the timer for 3 minutes and I'll be in your room ready to read a story and put on your pajamas. If I hear the timer before you are upstairs I'm going to come down and put you straight to bed with no story."
"If I hear the timer you get no story."
((proceed upstairs, while spouse reminds Dr. No about the consequences of his actions))
It's a fine line you have to walk.
I read a blog post somewhere (grr... I can't find it) about emotions. The writer said she teaches her daughter that her emotions are a horse that she will ride her entire life. Horses are great, useful, fun, but if you don't tame them, they'll take you for a ride and you'll probably get hurt. I like that analogy.
Seems to me that the problem with allowing yourself to just feel whatever you feel is that those around you may not want to feel your feelings, and feelings are contagious. The screaming baby is considered bad because he inconveniences and discomforts the rest of us. A happy, easy-going baby is considered good because he does not inconvenience or discomfort us.
To my mind, the question is not whether said baby is or is not inconveniencing me and others, but whether that inconvenience is justified. If he is getting a diaper rash because the thing needs to be changed ASAP (is that why they get diaper rashes? so much to learn), the little inconvenience now saves prolonged inconvenience later, which is a good trade-off in my book.
As to the larger question, God gets angry, Jesus wept, Paul was upset when a compatriot missed his appointment, and the Lord of life more than once became exasperated with his own disciples. And since Christ is the standard for all of humanity, those emotions are not sinful.
As for me, I want to love what God loves, hate what he hates, ignore the kinds of things he ignores, get upset at the things that upset him.
Jessie, the post you are looking for is here:
http://www.feminagirls.com/2010/08/19/a-spirited-rider/
I think Alexander is right that part of the issue is that feelings are contagious. Part of knowing someone, though, is feeling what they feel whether it is convenient or not; it's the price of relationship. Although my wife doesn't express every emotion that comes upon her, our marriage wouldn't be a very good one if she shielded me from her feelings (and vice versa). I think the same is true with our children, and the Psalms suggest to me that God sees things similarly with his children.
I find it is a fine line to walk indeed, to govern my actions well but still allow myself to feel my emotions. Teaching that to my daughter adds another layer of difficulty.
Ditto, I think. Emotions are not bad. (Ungodly) Tantrums based on them are. Now if only we can figure out which is which...
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